Tuesday, 31 May 2011

A decade of memories (very emotional)

This time 10 years ago, I gave birth to my first born,
After 2.5 hours of induced labour at 38 weeks, I pushed Bailey into this world.

I was only 19 and heading in a downwards spiral of depression and felt I was trapped in very emotional and physically abusive relationship for 6 years, of which the last 3 years I never really saw much of my family, even though they lived in the same village.

Giving birth to Bailey literally saved me from myself. And as soon I saw him I knew, what I had to do.

Bailey enabled me to find some strength which over many years was beaten out of me emotionally.
I remember the night like it was only yesterday, and as I type I have tears streaming down my face.

Even to this date, it was the hardest decision to make because, i had no friends of my own and my family had no real idea of what was happening, no self a steam, I Truly believed, that I would spend the rest of my life unwanted and alone.

My overwhelming sense of protection for Bailey won, he was getting to the age, where he could see and hear what was happening to me, I was so scared that in a few months down the line, he would also suffer physically as well.

Bailey was just a year old when we left, we ended up going back home to my parents. That was a very dark period of my life, I suffered with high anxiety and panic attacks.

Over the next four years I tired everything to get baileys biological father to see him, and had to watch my my son's heartbroken face, each time he didn't turn up! I also had to endure the questions "why doesn't my daddy love me" " have I been a bad boy" just thinking about those years rips my heart to pieces, such a heavy weight to carry on those little shoulders.

Bailey hasn't seen him for 8 years, we have had the odd letter and the odd Attempt of contact from his family around his birthday, which always turned out to be unfulfilled promises. So there has to be a point when enough is enough!
Bailey has made the decision not to have contact with any of them. Maybe he will change his mind when he is older, maybe he will have questions of his own. Only time will tell.

I can't tell you how proud I am of my son!
Not only did he carry around the weight of feeling unloved and the guilt of it,  but he also has had to come to terms with the fact that he has dyslexia and after making friends in his new class, had to be held back a year when the rest of them entered year one.

Again he has been highlighted as different!
He could have, like many do, chosen to feel sorry for himself and taken a different path of feeling like whole world owes him something!

But instead, he has worked so hard! He received the most improved reader award in front of the whole school presented by the headmaster,at the end of last year. he Truly tired so hard, so to have his efforts recognised has been a major confidence boost for him, and he has continued to go from strength to strength.

He was then this year awarded a citizenship award from his peers and teachers for being so kind and caring to everyone. Which just makes me so proud, to know that even though he struggles everyday, he makes sure that others are not struggling too.

He get's constant "Exemplary effort" in all of his subjects. Which means more to then any A,B or C.

And at home he such an amazing big brother, P loves him so much, I love watching them interact together, is he so laid back, hardly ever moans or is unhelpful,he really is a credit to our family, and I love him so much.

Happy birthday Bailey
You along with your brother and sister are the best things that ever happened to me! You gave me life!
I look forward to our next 10 years, and will savour every moment!
Love always and forever Mummy xxxx


  1. He sounds a lovely boy and you have every right to be proud of him, and yourself!

    Happy Birthday Bailey!

  2. Your little boy can only be the way he is because of all the love you have given him, he is a credit to your skills as a mum and the loving family he has around him. xxxx

  3. I read this today on my phone and couldn't reply for some reason, but just wanted to say that you clearly a great mama to have raised such a confident and happy young man. The love and compassion he shows are what he has learned from you. His courage was given to him by you. His ability to work hard and give his all are the things I said inspired me about you when you took up knitting and crochet. I read that our children are mirrors - what we see in them and the things in ourself - so you should be feeling very proud today, as a mother and as an amazing woman *hug*

    (Also, if you haven't already, you may like to check out this guest blog on Soulemama today - it's really beautiful http://www.soulemama.com/soulemama/2011/05/soulful-mothering-with-meredith-winn.html)

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